When the cloud remained...

I've been in quite a funk lately.  My heart has been so heavy for orphans, broken to the point of tears on many occasions.  My heart aches.  I want to be doing and going and helping.  I've been CRYING out to God to move in our situation.  To sell our home and let us live debt free and free to go where He calls us.    (I never thought selling the house would NOT be His plan.  How can being debt free NOT be His plan?)  To release Ting Ting's paperwork so that we can bring her into our family as our daughter.  To show us a glimpse of His plans for us (a neon sign would be better....LOL).

Nothing.  Silence.  UGH!  Oh how hard it is has been to pour out my heart to God and hear silence.  (Hard to admit too....)  Ask and you shall receive?   I've been crying out and begging and pleading for an answer, any answer.  I've been asking and haven't been receiving.  Until this morning.

Again this morning I poured out my heart and opened my devotional Streams in the Desert.....

When the cloud remained...the Israelites...did not set out. (Numbers 9:19)

This was the supreme test of obedience. It was comparatively easy to strike tents, when the fleecy folds of the cloud were slowly gathering from off the Tabernacle, and it floated majestically before the host. Change is always delightful; and there was excitement and interest in the route, the scenery, and the locality of the next halting-place. But, ah, the tarrying.

Yet having to wait was another story altogether...

When God sends no answer and "the cloud remains" we must wait.  Yet we can do so with the full assurance of God's provision of manna, water from the rock, shelter, and protection from our enemies.  He never keeps us at our post without assuring us of His presence or sending us daily supplies.  

.....You must wait where you are until the cloud clearly begins to move.

I decided to read Numbers 9:19 for myself.  The study at the bottom convicted me:

You are somewhere right now. Instead of praying "God, what do you want me to do next?" ask, "God, what do you want me to do while I'm right here?"  Direction from God is not just for your next big move.  He has a purpose in placing you where you are right now.  Begin to understand God's purpose for your life by discovering what He wants you to do now.

Ouch!  I have been so focused on "what's next?" that I haven't asked "what now?"  What have I missed in the now?  

All this sounds so neat and tidy.  Please don't be mislead.  It's been hard and messy!  (Can anyone recommend a good waterproof mascara?)  And I know I'm not there yet.  This will be a difficult season.  I tend to be a "git r done" kind of gal.  I can make a lot happen in my strength.  I don't want to do things in my strength anymore, but change is hard.  Waiting as obedience?  He sure cuts to the chase, doesn't He?  

Does this change my hearts desires?  No.  I still want and dream of going and caring for the world's orphans.  I still dream of somehow living in China one day.  But for now, I will try to learn how to wait until the cloud moves.  I will try to use my talents right here where I am.  Hard stuff...prayers appreciated!