Lately I've felt like nothing was working out or moving forward in my life. I want to sell the Sequoia and the Jeep (yes, my jeep... or what use to be my jeep 2 kids ago!) and purchase a 12 passenger van. I want to sell this house and sort of downsize and move more into the country, small town. My heart desires to adopt that special little girl who's paperwork isn't done yet. I want to live in China.
Yes, I notice there's an awful lot of I's and me's in there. I realized I don't know if any or all of this is truly my husband's heart or if he's just saying it to appease me, he's that kind of sweetheart.
This is what I emailed him-- "I guess my timeline is too short. Sorry, feels like nothing is moving forward, like I'm stuck in a groundhog day. Adoption, vehicles, house, ... Not seeing any growth or movement in my life."
Then I read my Proverbs31 devotion this morning... A Patient Parent. Thought I'd share some of it that stood out to me.
"Don't be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God.
You will always harvest what you plant." Galatians 6:7 (NLT)
*One of the most damaging choices a person can make is to give up too soon when faced with a failure.
*Paul used the analogy of planting to explain the principle of spiritual growth. He encouraged his readers to sow into the things of God, with the promise they would reap the things of God. In the life of a Christian we sow into God by how we think, speak, our actions, where we spend our money, and our time. These are investments in a God-honoring life, which reaps a harvest of blessing – but not in the same season. There is always a delay between sowing and reaping.
*What if you don't see results right away? That's normal. After a few days, the farmer doesn't get frustrated with slow growth and rip the seeds out of the ground. No. The farmer continues to water the soil, shoo the birds away, and pull the weeds. The farmer protects the seed until it has a chance to grow in its own time.
I know they were referring to raising a child, but so much of this can be applied to our lives, my life, in general. I think I may have been right. There isn't much outward movement right now. I am in a season of sowing--sowing into my children (which has lacked with all these endeavours), sowing into my marriage and spending time with my dear husband seeing if our hearts are truly in tune and we have the same vision for our family, and most importantly--applying myself to intentionally drawing closer to God and building my relationship with Him and in doing so revealing His will for me, for our family, for our future.
This all goes hand and hand with what has stood out to me in my devotions--
*God does not open paths for us before we come to them...
*People who are God's without reservation "have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." His will becomes their will, and they desire to do for Him whatever He desires them to do.
(From Streams in the Desert)
So while there may be no outward sign of growth, I know that God is growing me from the inside out. Changing me, changing my heart. For that, I praise God. I know that there will be a season of reaping...in due time. I will not give up, I will press in closer to the One who loves me and who sees the big picture. I will continue to prepare myself for the time when He does open His paths to me. I will continue to get to know Him so intensely that my heart reflects His.